Save  me from myself
by gothic lolita darling
Summary: As  Kurt battles depression Blaine  finds himself trying to convince  Kurt he has a reason to live .   As Kurt finds himself worthless Blaine is doing his best to save him.
1. Chapter 1

Kurt lay curled up in bed, arms wrapped around his legs. His stomach tightened as he held back his tears. When had he gotten so lonely? He had always been alone, and he knew he would be because he dared to be different in a small town. He was alone but he had never been so _lonely _before. It wasn't something he had noticed until he had walked into the choir room and seen everyone was paired up, even Mercedes had a guy at her side. That was when he felt something inside him break. It had taken alot of self control to not run out of the room, he hadn't even had the energy to fight when Mr. Shue gave Rachel the solo in one of his favorite songs. And as always either no one noticed or no one cared.

What had he done wrong? Why the hell was this all happening to him? Everyone complained about their problems but he would give anything to be in their shoes. No matter what they said they didn't know pain, maybe Quinn could sort of understand. They didn't know what it was like to lose your mom, live your life being harrassed daily and not being able to tell out of fear for your life, be the only out gay kid in the whole town. He had always let it roll off before but it was getting to be too much. He was alone, he was lonely and it had hit the point he was really f*cking tired of living. He finally let his tears flow unchecked, arms wrapped around his chest as if he was holding himself together.

Kurt rolled out of bed the next morning to go about his day as always. He got dressed, with a little less flair than usual, and was almost done doing his hair when a feeling of self hatred swept over him. Why the hell couldn't he have been born a different way. He didn't believe in god because he would have to be pretty cruel to make him this way, no one wanted this. Why couldn't he be someone else? He gripped the bathroom counter tightly and leaned over, breathing heavily, he would not cry, he would not cry, we would not f***ing cry, everyone would see if he had. Not that anyone really noticed him. He bit down on his lip until he broke skin and tasted blood. God for some twisted reason that felt good.

He walked around school in a daze, the tearing throb in his chest so painful he couldn't concentrate on anything else. Karofsky shoved him into the lockers, and damn he couldn't help but enjoy it, the physical pain a relief, a distraction from being torn apart on the inside.

For the first time in his life he left glee rehearsal. It was sickening, Rachel in Finns lap, Mike and Tina cuddling, Quinns head on Sams shoulder. Was that kind if simple contact, someone who just wanted to touch him, be near him too much to wish for? He dug his fingernails into the soft flesh of his palms, he had figured that part out, the physical pain dulled the internal agony. He went home early and found himself in bed crying again and hating himself for being so pathetic.

It wasn't just not having a boyfriend. It was Karofsky, brutalizing him because he was brave enough to be out. It was Finn coming in as the son his dad had clearly always wanted, driving a wedge between them when Kurt needed his dad most. It was the renewed aching reminder that his mom was gone, that she couldn't hold him and tell him it would be ok one day, like he so desperatly wanted someone to. It was his so called "friends" not seeing he was falling apart right in front of them. Most of all it was feeling like no one would notice if he suddenly wasn't in their lives anymore. His dad would have a son in Finn, Karofsky would go back to denying himself comfortably without Kurt flaunting his sexuality so openly, Rachel could have all her damn solos. Other than that he wasn't even a blip on anyones radar.

His phone rang and even though he wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone he picked it up, stupidly hoping it would be just that one text from someone who was actually wondering if he was ok after he left so abruptly. It was Blaine.

Heyy Kurt-sie u wanna meet me breadstix

Blaine...the one person who could maybe make things better, even just for a little bit. Even if Kurt couldn't actually find the courage to tell him what was wrong. Maybe Blaine would actually, just maybe, notice on his own that Kurt was a long way from ok.

Suree Blaine-sie ;)


	2. Chapter 2

Blaine hadn't planned on driving all the way out to Lima on a whim, then he had realized he hadn't seen or talked to Kurt for awhile. It shouldn't really be a reason to worry but with everything else going on he had decided to check on him. So he was now sitting at a table in Breadstix waiting. The last thing he expected was for Kurt to show up looking like he'd gotten dressed in the dark and hadn't looked in a mirror all day. Basically Kurt was a mess, it even looked like his eyes were rimmed in red. He didn't say anything because he wasn't sure Kurt would take kindly to being told he looked like crap. But it did confirm that after Kurt's lack of contact he did have a good reason to worry.

Kurt sat across from Blaine, his hands gripping the edge of the seat. He wanted, almost needed, to just hear the simple question, Are you ok, you look a little rough. He had tried to clean up, but one could only cry for so long before it became impossible to hide it. Why the hell had he agreed to this? Did he really need any more reminders that even his so called friends didn't, or couldn't, see him breaking.

Blaine had no idea what to do. It was clear as day something serious was wrong with Kurt, and honestly he was scared. Kurt had been crying, it was obvious on his face. He wanted to ask flat out what was wrong, but Kurt was proud, and would probably deny anything was wrong.

The petite singer was picking at his food, nothing had touched his lips. He had no interest in eating, as cliché and melodramatic as it sounded he didn't have much interest in breathing either. Say something, he mentally pleaded, notice, don't ignore me, make me think you care. Please Blaine, I need you, please make _something _ok, please I need you. Blaine continued to eat, looking uncomfortable. Kurt bit his lip, opening a new tear close to the first. Was this a mistake Blaine? Asking me here, are you really just like the others, a conditional friend, there until I really need you? The little self loathing voice in the back of his head was front and center now. And it was right.

Blaine felt helpless, he didn't know what to do or say, but it was so obvious he had to, because no one else had. His stomach was so tied in knots he couldn't eat anymore, they couldn't stay much longer. He yearned to reach out and touch Kurt's face, tell him he would always be there for him, hold him when he cried, try to make everything alright. That was when he realized Kurt's hands were shaking slightly. Maybe he shouldn't do anything yet, wait and see if Kurt was ready to talk soon before trying to bring it up. The one thing he didn't realize was the things he had resisted doing were the things Kurt wanted, he needed.

Please, Kurt begged one more time, I want you to ask me, and when I lie that I'm fine, see through it. Be the person I thought you were, the one who cares, the one who understands.

Blaine reached out and placed his hand on Kurt's, feeling the minute tremors as they shook. His thumb grazed the small cut on Kurt's wrist where he had dug his nails in before coming in, trying to clear his head of the haze or pain and disconnection. He squeezed Kurt's hand tighter, he didn't have any idea what to do now, but he would figure it out. He wasn't going to stand by and watch him self destruct.

The weight of Blaines warm hand over his was the most contact Kurt had felt from anyone for a long time. He felt Blaines thumb graze a sensitive cut on his wrist, a small welcome shock of pain. Can you see it yet, his mind whispered, are you still going to ignore it, could it be more obvious, do you just not care.

Paying the bill they walked outside. Blaine drew Kurt into a tight embrace, hoping the younger boy understood the promise of help behind it. Whatever he was going through he wouldn't be alone, he hoped Kurt could feel all that in the circle of his arms.

Wrapped in Blaines arms Kurt wanted to break down right there. All too soon Blaine let go. He never did ask, clearly he could tell, but he couldn't be bothered to actually find out, then he might actually have to pretend to give a shit, and no one wanted to be bothered by that.

On his way to his car Blaine turned back and saw the lights glint off the tears rolling down Kurt's cheeks. No matter what he wasn't going to let it go unnoticed anymore.

Xxx

As he was getting his sweatpants the pocketknife his dad had given him for his tenth birthday caught his eye, laying at the bottom of the drawer. He had never had much use for it, but after staring at it for a few long minutes he slipped it into his nightstand drawer. No one said you had to use a razor.


	3. Chapter 3

Kurt didn't know what was worse, having to fake all day at school, or the weekend with nothing but his increasingly depressed thoughts. He spent his weekend laying in his room, resisting the urge to take enough Benadryl to knock him out for days. He slept at strange times, and had basically stopped eating, what he did eat he normally threw up. So far he hadn't actually been desperate enough to hurt himself...too bad. But his knife was calling him louder as the day went on. He had been given plenty of opportunities to snag a razor blade, but he didn't want to cut, cutting was too easy. He wanted to gouge, tear, _mutilate, _he wanted to torture the person who had made him this way. And that person, the only one he could blame, was himself. He hadn't heard from Blaine since their "_date" _at breadstix, and he had been stupid enough to think Blaine might be different. In the end, not even his dad thought to wonder why he hadn't spoken, eaten, or left his room. But he could hang out with Finn if he needed "guy time" which Kurt apparently didn't qualify for because, like everyone else, he assumed gay equaled girl. So why did he need Kurt, no one did. Giving in he rummaged through his medicine cabinet, he didn't even know what he took, just that it said causes drowsiness in big letters, to him the words spelled escape.

Burt was starting to worry. He hadn't seen Kurt for days, normally the kid was constantly hovering around preaching the benefits of certain foods and stuff for heart health. Maybe Kurt had just figured Carole was competent enough he could relax. Or maybe he was just in a mood, teenagers did that didn't they? He hoped it wasn't about a boy because as much as he loved his son he wasn't sure he could deal with that yet.

Laying in bed Blaines thoughts were plagued by Kurt. When he had left him after breadstix the younger boy had been so _broken. _Combined with having not heard from him since then Blaine was downright scared. He needed to do something because clearly no one else was going to. He might put on a facade of flawlessness but he was far from perfect. And in this situation he was clueless, he and Kurt had dealt with so many similar things he was comfortable guiding Kurt through them. But he had never been as far gone as Kurt was becoming. Not knowing what else to do he pulled up google, surely he could find _something_ online.

Kurt went back to school Monday with his mask perfected. It wasn't quite perfect, he still couldn't muster up emotions, but he put on an Emmy worthy performance. And even if he still hadn't perfected his new "disguise" it wasn't like any one looked that closely anymore. He remembered the way the whole glee club had stood behind Quinn when she was pregnant, all of their, "when everyone else turns their backs on you your going to need us because we stick together and we won't reject you, we'll always be there for you" speeches. What had happened to the glee club, they hadn't changed that, always rallying behind anyone going through a hard time, why didn't he matter? He knew why. He was such an outcast even the other freaks didn't care about him.

Finn went down to the basement and found Kurt laying in bed. It seemed like that was all Kurt did lately. He was such a drama queen, he was probably moping because he didn't get to go to some musical or something. Never did it cross Finns mind that something serious was going on. "Hey Kurt whats your freaking problem lately." Finn asked rudely. So quiet Finn couldn't hear Kurt whispered "I am."

Xxx

Kurt finally gave in. He couldn't take it anymore. He grabbed the knife and dug it into the sensitive skin of his wrist. He gritted his teeth as pain exploded along his arm. He wrenched the dull blade out and twisted it into a new spot, yanking it along his wrist, creating a jagged horizontal gash. God it felt good in such a sick way, he wanted to torture himself, tear himself to pieces for who, and what, he was, he hated who he was. And he was the only person he could blame. By the time he put the knife up his arm was a torn mess, bleeding freely. He got up and stumbled to the bathroom to run some cold water over his arm. Hardly aware of what he was doing he snuck up to his dads room.

His dad and Carole were out for dinner, so he knew he wouldn't get caught. His dad kept a box of some of his moms things on the top shelf of the closet. Kurt needed some kind of reminder of her, we wanted the comfort of a mother, he pulled the box down, an old sweater was as close as he could get. He pulled the sweater on to cover his wounds, inhaling deeply, it still smelled like her. Tears started to well up, by the time he got back to his room he was starting to sob.

Xxx

Kurts phone rang. He didn't answer. Whoever it was left a message. He called his voice mail. "Hey Kurt its Blaine. I really want, kinda need, to talk to you. Call me back as soon as you get this. If you don't call I'm showing up at your house, I'm not letting you keep avoiding me."


	4. Chapter 4

A week had passed and Blaine still hadn't heard from Kurt. He had called a few more times and still hadn't gotten a response. He was definitely going to his house that weekend. He had wanted to earlier but hadn't been able to get away from school. But then Saturday had finally rolled around.

Kurt was home alone when Blaine got there. Peeking out the front window he saw Blaines car, he hadn't thought he would care enough to actually show up. He really couldn't avoid him anymore. When Blaine knocked he opened the door.

Kurt looked like shit, there was no denying it. His eyes were sunken and ringed in dark circles, his skin was an ashy unhealthy grayish, his hair looked like it hadn't been styled for a week, he was frighteningly thin, and was wearing tattered sweatpants and an oversize sweater. Blaine knew then exactly how serious things were. It sounded stupid but when the always stylish and impeccable Kurt Hummel not only let himself get to that state but let someone see him, something major was going on.

Blaine showed himself to the living room, Kurt following listlessly. "Ok Kurt you need to be honest with me. I can tell your not ok and haven't been for awhile. I want to help you, please just tell me."

"You know Blaine, awhile ago that was exactly what I needed to hear. Now it doesn't matter. I wanted someone to care, no one did, now I don't care. People pretend, but in the end I'm alone, just like I always have been." Kurt's voice was completely emotionless. In a movie it was a voice Blaine would have assumed belong to a cliché zombie, or robot, or mindless serial killer, and laughed at for being overdone. In real life it was terrifying. Even Kurt's eyes, usually so revealing of his inner thoughts and feelings, were empty.

Blaine reached out and tried to take Kurt's hand, but as soon as his hand had barely brushed Kurt's he jerked his whole arm backwards. The sharp movement caused his sleeve to inch up just enough for Blaine to catch sight of one of the jagged cuts. "Kurt let me see your arm." Blaine asked softly. Kurt crossed his arms tucking them against his chest. Blaine had planned on being gentle, but he had to know if Kurt was hurting himself. He reached out and grabbed his arm.

Kurt couldn't believe Blaine was treating him like this. As if pretending to care wasn't bad enough now Blaine was trying to find out more for his own morbid curiosity. He sighed, Why fight? Maybe once Blaine saw how f***cked up he really was he would finally leave. But some remaining vestige of pride kept him from admitting how weak he had become. Blaine forced his sleeve up his arm.

It was horrible. The sight of Kurt's arm made Blaine want to throw up. It was swollen and dark red, criss-crossed with deep jagged tears, some almost holes. He honestly couldn't believe someone would actually be able to do this to themselves. How bad did things have to be to _want _to..._mutilate_ yourself like this. "Kurt." he whispered his name. "Call me whatever you want Blaine, I can practically see you thinking it. Freak, disgusting, unnatural, _wrong. _Go ahead if it makes you feel better."

"Why would I want to say those things, why would it make me feel better?"

"Because its true, I can see the disgust in your eyes."

"Kurt you need help."

"Why couldn't you realize that when I wanted help."

"Kurt I was wrong to not say something sooner. I could see you slipping downhill, but I didn't realize it was this bad."

"I know theres something wrong with me. But there always has been. I'm just done fooling myself into thinking I matter."

"You do matter, you cant keep doing this, what's going to happen when you accidentally cut too deep and hit an artery and bleed out?"

"It would just make that choice that much easier. You pretend to care now Blaine, but you still haven't realized that as bad as the physical wounds are, you can't even imagine the internal emotional torment. Do you know what it's like to be replaced by your own dad when a more masculine _son _comes along? To be tormented to the point you believe the people who make your life hell, because you finally realize they're right, that you're just lying to yourself, _wanting _to be part of _something_ and not really belonging anywhere. I'm too far gone to be fixed, this is what happens when reality hits and shatters that bubble. Everyone has one, a bubble they live their lives in where they matter, where people actually give a shit about them. And then that bubble pops and people are too fragile to handle it, no matter how strong they pretend they are. I've learned to face my reality, at a steep price. I'm done lying to myself. I suggest you try it, stop pretending you can fix me, I'm too broken. And I don't want to be fixed, I don't want to pretend anymore. All life is is lies and pretending."

At that precise moment Blaine realized what Kurt had really been saying. He felt so worthless he had already decided to just kill himself. The man Blaine loved was discussing his desire to commit suicide right in front of him. And Blaine couldn't even find the words to tell Kurt how much he was really worth, especially to him. He blamed himself. Kurt had trusted him, confiding in him about what was happening, and he hadn't done anything really. This was his fault and he couldn't even find words to help even marginally. He finally admitted to himself, he loved Kurt Hummel, but if he didn't do something Kurt Hummel wouldn't be breathing much longer.

"Blaine leave please. I want you out of my house. Come back if you think you should but I have nothing else to say to you. Just leave." Not knowing what else to do Blaine left, cursing himself every step. He left, but he wasn't going to stay gone.

Xxxx

With Blaine finally gone Kurt collapsed onto the couch. Just saying that little had exhausted him. Somehow Blaine had done something to clear some of the haze of pain and numbness and make him see what he was doing. But far from helping it just made him as, the poison, the noose, the knife, or the gun. Pushing his sleeves up he gouged his fingers into the gashes covering his arms, his fingers sinking in repulsively deep, coming out coated in blood.

Xxxx

Blaine couldn't take the helpless feeling anymore so he did the one thing he hoped would have _some _sort of affect. He flipped open his cell and called Kurt's dad, telling him _almost_ everything.


	5. Chapter 5

Burt had been out for dinner with Carole and Finn, Kurt had refused to go, when Blaine called. "Mr. Hummel I know this is just all around an awkward situation but we need to talk, it can't wait."

"Blaine you and Kurt didn't um, well you know, um." Burt floundered trying to find the words to ask a teenage boy he didn't know too well if he'd had sex with his son. "No nothing like that at all. It is Kurt though. I don't see how you didn't notice how depressed he was. He's your son and you haven't noticed he doesn't eat anymore, has no interest in anything and has turned to self mutilation because he thinks he's worthless and would be better off dead. He's severely depressed, and he won't listen to me. Somehow you didn't notice, but you need to do something. I love him and I'm not going to let him keep doing this to himself. So I'm asking you because he won't listen to me." Burt could barely believe what he was hearing, surely Blaine was exaggerating, Kurt had been a little moody but there was no way he was actually depressed. "Blaine I have a hard time believing my son could be in that kind of condition without me noticing."

"That's the f***ing problem no one sees him." Blaines control was slipping farther as he yelled. "Go home and look at his arms, those injuries should snap you out of denial. Assuming he hasn't f***ing shot himself yet. Just DO SOMETHING to convince your own damn son his life is worth something, your his dad he shouldn't have had reason to doubt that at least you cared in the first place. He needs you and you aren't there." Furious Blaine hung up, that phone call probably wasn't a good way to tell Burt he was in love with his son. And it might come back and bite him in the ass later, but hopefully Burt had finally gotten the damn message. Unable to hold it in anymore Blaine pulled over and just screamed, he hit the steering wheel and eventually just started sobbing, his sobs being torn roughly from his throat wracking his whole body.

Burt could barely believed some of the things Blaine had said to him. He wouldn't have thought the well mannered boy Kurt had introduced him to would say those things; especially to an adult he didn't know too well. But far from being enraged he realized two things, one, Blaine had said he loved Kurt, two, he wouldn't have said anything like that if he hadn't been scared, worried and one hundred percent serious. "Carole, Finn, I need to go home, it might be best if I went alone, call me when you need to be picked up." he stood to leave and Carole grabbed his hand, "Burt honey what's wrong?"

"That was Blaine. It's something serious. I need to get home."

"Oh god is Kurt ok?"

Carole looked scared, Burt almost didn't answer scared saying it would make it real. "No."

Kurt laid in bed, staring at the razorblade on his nightstand. He didn't particularly like guns, hanging made him queasy, and overdosing seemed to painless. He wanted to make himself suffer. He didn't deserve quick and painless, he deserved to be tortured. He wanted to be in pain as long as he could. He didn't believe in life after death either. He just wanted to be gone, why would he want to still be around after he killed himself anyway. He could hear the sweet relief of nothingness calling to him, the temptation of disappearing forever, never facing another day. He picked up the blade and closed his eyes. He saw the faces of the people in his pathetic 'life'. Karofsky, jeering and taunting, reminding him how much of a waste of space he was. Rachel, tearing him down, saying he wasn't even good at the one thing he loved, that he didn't deserve to have his voice heard. Blaine, the boy he might have loved one day, if he had really cared enough to say those three words, are you ok, when he needed to hear them, then tried too late. His dad, who had always said they would stick together no matter what. Only to turn his back when his new wife and the masculine son he wanted were in the picture. He had a wife to replace the one he lost, and a real son to replace the screw up he already had. The rest of the glee club, too wrapped up in themselves and their petty drama to hear him, just like Rachel said, his voice wasn't worth hearing. He rested the blade against the soft flesh of his wrist. Worthless, he was worthless, that was the last thought he ever wanted to have, he deserved to die reminding himself how screwed up and worthless he was. Worthless. He pressed down, the blade starting to bite into the sensitive flesh.

Burt flew into the house, flung the basement door open and ran down the stairs, holing he wasn't overreacting. He wasn't. He would never forget the sight of his son, sitting on his bed, leaning against the wall, knees to his chest, eyes closed, so thin he looked emaciated, deathly pale, holding a razor, already starting to try to slit his wrist with it. "Kurt, stop please." Burt pleaded. Kurt's eyes flicked open. "Why?"

"Kurt put the razor down and we can talk." Burt went over to his sons' bedside, almost his son's deathbed. He gently took Kurt's hand, and started prying the razor from his grip. After a moment Kurt's fingers went limp and he let go. "Fine what do you have to say, other than goodbye, you're not going to be able to change my mind? I'm done with life; I don't want to be here anymore." Kurt's usually warm, bright eyes were cold and distant. "I would say I'm sorry but I'm not. Some people say suicide is selfish, hurting the people you leave behind. But there's no one who cares enough for me to be able to hurt. It won't take long for everyone to forget me."


	6. Chapter 6

"Kurt how could you say that? Why didn't you tell me something was wrong?" Burt asked

"Because if you hadn't been so wrapped up in Carole and Finn you might have noticed on your own. I wanted to be able to think someone cared about me. But not even my own father saw what a mess I was. You had the athletic masculine son and a new wife, why should you care about you're fucked up faggot son when you had another chance to have the family you always wanted, instead of a dead wife and gay son." Kurt's voice was bitter, why was he wasting his time saying all this like anyone actually listened or cared. Burt could barely comprehend what he was hearing, had he really been so wrapped up in everything and everyone else he had pushed his son aside.

"Kurt, we knew from the beginning this would be hard, but nothing changes the fact that your my son and I love you more than anything. God I wish your mom was here right now, she would know what to do." Burt buried his face in his hands.

"When this first started all I wanted was one person to just ask if I was ok, one person to care enough to worry about me." the little bit of emotion Kurt had begun to show slipped away, his voice a drab monotone.

"Kurt don't you think your being a little dramatic. I should have been more sensitive to how you felt about me remarrying, but I thought you liked Carole, and your overreacting, just because Finn is a part of our lives now doesn't mean I'm replacing you."

"You really don't get it. It's so much more than Finn. It's being tormented every day of my life at school, harassed by Karofsky, being told I'm less than nothing, being completely alone with no one to hold me or tell me it's ok. Not even my own father. No one gives a shit about what happens to me and I'm tired of pretending they do." Kurt was sobbing by now, all the emotions he had shoved down flooding out. "I just want someone, anyone, to really see me, and want to make everything ok again. But I'm just a fucked up freak. I'm not worth anyone's time. I'm worthless and I'm done pretending I mean anything to anyone." his voice broke and he curled in on himself, arms tucked tightly around him, head buried in his knees. His sobs wracked his skeletally thin body; he didn't even realize the fresh wounds on his arms leaking blood. But Burt did. Seeing the thin trail of red spilling down he turned to get a closer look at his sons arm, hoping Kurt wouldn't notice. Seeing the way Kurt had mutilated himself his breath caught. This had been happening in his home, right under his nose and he hadn't noticed, he had been too wrapped up in Carole and Finn. Burt hugged Kurt to him.

"You should have said something to me Kurt. You're my son; you never should have had to doubt that I love you."

"When this started that was what I needed to hear. But it's not enough now. It doesn't matter now. Nothing matters anymore."

"I want to know what's been going on in your life Kurt. Please tell me what happened to make you think like this."

"You couldn't care when I needed you to...Karofsky brutalizes me every day, physically and verbally, but he right, there is something wrong with me, everything wrong with me. I can't even find something as simple as a boy who loves me or even likes me for who I am. I can't find anyone who likes me for who I am. I don't even like myself. I'm so tired of everything; I just want it to be over."

"Kurt we'll find someone to help you, we won't let this keep happening, you can't keep thinking like this."

"I don't want help anymore."

"Kurt I'm not going to let this continue."

"Why not you've let it go this long. Don't you have to go get Carole and Finn from the restaurant? Since they aren't here I can only assume you left them there."

"Your right, let's go." Burt stood, Kurt remained seated. "I'm not going with. Just go get them."

"Kurt I really don't think you should be left alone."

"Go, I promise I'll still be here when you get back."

Sensing that arguing would be useless Burt left, feeling uneasy about leaving his depressed suicidal son alone.

Kurt picked the razorblade back up. He had promised his dad he would be there when he got back. He never said he would be there alive. He looked down at his wrist, saw the delicate pattern of veins under his porcelain skin, partially obscured by the gashes torn into his flesh. Some people were not meant to live, they were so screwed up they weren't worth wasting the oxygen to keep alive. He was one of them. He pressed the blade against his wrist, feeling it bite deep, hopefully severing veins. He dragged it slowly across his wrist, gritting his teeth against the burning pain. It seemed only appropriate that his last sensation on earth would be excruciating pain. Already dizzy he plunged the blade even deeper into his other wrist. He twisted it, fantasizing he could feel veins and arteries tear, twist, and pop. He crumpled to the floor.

Burt rushed home and hurried back to the basement. Only to find his son collapsed on the ground in a pool of his own blood, the whole room stained crimson. He ran down the stairs, taking them three at a time. "Carole call nine one one I don't think he's breathing." Burt's voice shook as he yelled. He had lost his wife, had he just lost his son as well?


	7. Chapter 7

Kurt slowly became aware of details, there was a slight pressure on his left hand as though something was resting on it, it was so bright even with his eyes closed it wasn't black. His first thought was, shit there's an afterlife after all, then the sanitized antiseptic smell hit him. Even worse than his first thought, he was in the hospital. God he couldn't do anything right, he couldn't even fucking kill himself properly, he had messed even that up. He felt something warm and wet hit his left hand. A tear? Lacking the willpower to open his eyes he sank blissfully back into the black emptiness of deep sleep.

The next time Kurt came to he blinked his eyes open as he woke, not even realizing he was doing it. He turned slightly to find the source of the pressure on his hand. Blaine was sitting in a chair next to the bed, his hand enveloping Kurt's, his eyes lowered. Kurt felt his heart flutter and almost gasped it had been so long since he had felt anything at all. He flipped his arm so it was palm side up and tightened his fingers around Blaines. Even the small movement sent sharp pain shooting up his arm, he could see the neat lines of stitches. Blaine looked up as he felt Kurt move, he reached for something Kurt couldn't see what. "He's awake." Blaine practically yelled. Burt and Carole rushed in followed by two nurses and a doctor

As the flurry of activity died down Kurt looked at his dad. "What's going on?"

"You've been unconscious for thirty six hours. I came home to find you on the ground, bleeding out. It was almost too late; you had lost so much blood. You needed two transfusions, and they didn't even have your blood type it's such a small hospital, you're lucky Blaine is a universal donor." Burt's voice had cracked several times as he explained. Kurt sank back into the pillows, why couldn't you have left me there, I want to die, he wondered.

"I'm so tired." he whispered brokenly, he had just wanted to disappear, was that so hard? Was that too much to ask for? Blaine brought Kurt's arm up just a little, kissing his stitches as lightly as possible, just feathering his lips against them. "Don't you dare do anything like that ever again; I couldn't bear to lose you." Those words actually registered in Kurt's mind as positive and sincere, for the first time in a long time he liked the sound of something, heard something he wanted to hear. But the bitter, apathetic haze he had been cloaked in for so long was still there. "Like you actually care."

"We will get help for Kurt, we won't let this continue. I won't let this happen to you anymore." Blaine took one of Kurt's hands in both of his and pressed his lips to the back of it. "I wish more than anything that I had said something sooner. I could see you breaking, and didn't say anything because I thought since you were so proud you wouldn't want to be told you looked so haunted, so tortured and sickly, you wouldn't admit something was wrong. I thought you wouldn't want anyone to pry. I wish more than anything that I had said something then. You're right, you needed me and I wasn't there, if I had been so scared of offending you maybe we wouldn't be here now." Blaine brushed his hand along Kurt's cheek, smoothing back his hair; he gazed into Kurt's eyes, still worried about how vacant they were. "Kurt, I love you." Blaine's words were intimate, clearly meant for only the two of them to the point Burt and Carole were embarrassed to even be in the same room. Kurt's breath caught, his heart twisted, it felt like he had just been shocked with thousands of volts of electricity, oh god he hadn't felt anything for so long. Maybe those were the words he'd needed to hear, something as simple as being told he was loved, especially by someone who wasn't family. Tears slipped down his cheeks and Blaine brushed them away, his thumbs lingering on his face. He touched his lips just barely to Kurt's for just a moment. Kurt's breath hitched again. Then he realized, he didn't want to die the way he had before, it was more like he had been robotically repeating what he had taught himself he should think when he had wanted to ask his dad why he didn't just leave him, like he wasn't as convinced suicide was the best option anymore. He wasn't ok, not even close, he hadn't been for a long time, he wasn't going to suddenly make a miraculous recovery, it wouldn't be an overnight fix, it would be a long hard road but maybe he could do it. Blaine rested his head on Kurt's chest, still holding his hand. "The world would be silent without your voice." Blaine whispered.

Kurt's heart was still twisting, tugging, and throbbing, as if it was getting accustomed to feeling again. He took Blaines hands in his, buried his face in his soft wildly ungelled curls and started to sob. Pain, fear, regret and amazingly love, pure, so honest it hurt, love, crashed down on him the feelings he had denied himself for so long flooded in overwhelming him. But underneath it all was the one feeling he had allowed himself, burning self hatred, somehow unconsciously he knew it would take a really, really long time to get rid of that, maybe it would never be completely gone, maybe it would always be right at the edge, ready to drag him back into his depths, picking on his insecurities in his darkest moments. But now he knew no matter what happened Blaine would be right beside him every step of the way, to hold him close when he felt worthless and fight off his demons when he wasn't strong enough to do it himself, catch him when he started to fall. Not wanting to think anymore he lost himself in the simple bliss of the warm scent of Blaine's surprisingly curly hair, his thumb rubbing circles on the back of his hand, the comforting weight of his head resting on his chest right over his heart**. **


	8. Chapter 8

Burt watched his son sleep peacefully, mentally berating himself. What the hell had he been thinking leaving Kurt home alone? He had found him with a razor to his wrist about to gouge into his veins and he had been stupid enough to leave him alone. And he had almost lost him. He had thought he was doing a pretty good job being a parent. He and Kurt had been close even though they had nothing in common, well or so he had thought. But he hadn't even seen Kurt slipping downward. A damn teenager had practically has to tell him how to take care of his son. A boy who lived two hours away and didn't even see Kurt on a daily basis had seen what was happening. Blaine had called and told him about the ways Kurt was mutilating himself and what had he done about it? He had gone home for maybe ten minutes to find him on the verge of suicide and then left him home alone, still holding the blade. How much stupider could he be? He hadn't realized he had been so wrapped up in Finn and Carole that he had been ignoring his own son. And he had almost lost his baby because of it. He had more in common with Finn sure, but Kurt was his own flesh and blood, and he loved him more than anything, but he had been so blind. Kurt's brush with death had also reopened the wounds left when Elizabeth had passed, he had Carole now, but she wasn't a replacement for Elizabeth, and Finn would never be a replacement for Kurt. He broke down into wrenching sobs, the agony of losing his wife and almost losing his son was almost too much. Carole rested her hand on his shoulder, wanting to comfort him, but sensing he was doing his best to face himself. He hadn't stopped Kurt from getting worse but he would damn sure be involved in helping heal him.

Xxxx

Blaine left Kurt's bedside as little as possible, only going to the bathroom when he absolutely had to, having his meals brought up by Carole, sleeping in the chair or on the window seat. He could almost see a small spark life in Kurt's eyes again. It had seemed like nothing short a miracle when Kurt had given a small smile at one of Blaines, after months of you not eating they think hospital food is going to make you want to eat again, jokes.

Kurt reached down almost unthinkingly and scratched at his stitches, Blaine took his wrist tenderly, "The doctor said no scratching." he reprimanded, "But they itch." Kurt whined.

"Well remember that if you're ever tempted to do anything like that again." Blaine kissed the raised lines gently.

"Kissing me better?" Kurt teased; Blaine was overjoyed by even the slight attempt at humor. Kurt sighed, "If only it was that easy."

Blaine pressed Kurt's hand to his face, "You will get better, I promise, we can do this." Even that small detail of Blaine using the words, we can do this, that we, lightened the shadows that plagued Kurt, even if it was just slightly

Xxxx

"Am I allowed to walk around?" Kurt asked, "I want to get out of this room."

"The doctor said as long as someone goes with you." Carole volunteered. Blaine stood and offered Kurt a hand, "Just to the little lounge type set up down the hall?" he asked, Kurt took his hand, "Anywhere but here, I don't even know where you're talking about."

As Blaine led Kurt out of the room Burt found himself wondering what was going on. He had sworn he would take better care of his son, yet here he was sitting in a now vacant hospital room while Blaine watched over Kurt. But maybe that was best, Kurt had been much more responsive to Blaine than to him. And for some reason he just knew he could trust Blaine to take care if his depressed suicidal son. But that didn't do much for the guilt he felt about not doing it himself.

Just as Blaine had said there was a big open room at the end of the hall. The outside wall was solid glass, couches and chairs were scattered haphazardly along with tables brimming with books and magazines. Kurt wrinkled his nose, everywhere in the building had the same sterile feel and antiseptic smell. "Let's go sit by the windows." he suggested. Blaine moved to sit on the couch nearest the window, but Kurt pulled him down to sit on the floor. As soon as Blaine sat on the floor Kurt stretched out and laid down, resting his head lightly in Blaines lap. He sighed as Blaine ran his fingers through his hair. He realized he must look like hell, and for a moment actually almost cared about what whoever saw him would think. But he still couldn't really bring himself to care much more than a passing thought.

Kurt turned slightly to look up at Blaine, who was still playing with his hair. Blaines hazel eyes were warm and gentle, love and concern easily readable in their depths, his loose curls tumbling over them. But Kurt couldn't shake the small voice haunting him. Blaine didn't really love him, he was acting out of pity, and as soon as Kurt seemed better he would leave for some boy who wasn't permanently scarred physically and emotionally. He questioned why a boy like Blaine would want to be saddled with someone as damaged as him. Things might be different for a little while but nothing would last. He hadn't realized while those poisonous thoughts were plaguing his mind he had begun to dig his nails deep into his palms. Until he felt Blaines warm, firm hands prying open his tightly clenched fist.

"Jesus Kurt do they need to bandage your hands too?"

Kurt's arms were already bandaged to the elbow, were they stopped so he could bend his arm, then started again going up to his shoulder. Both to keep the numerous wounds from getting infected and keep him from hurting himself anymore or trying to kill himself again. Not that he had been left alone long enough to do anything anyway. Blaine rubbed Kurt's palms, the nail marks close to breaking skin. "I'm going to tell them to cut your nails too." Blaine sounded concerned. "You need to stop hurting yourself Kurt; does it really make you feel better?"

"No it doesn't." Kurt's voice broke, "It just makes me feel."

"Kurt." Blaine's voice was a tender whisper, he didn't know what to say, didn't want to use generic, meaningless words and phrases.

"What if I can't be fixed? What if no one can help me? What if I'm just such a messed up freak nothing helps, no one can do anything for me?" Kurt's voice softened "What if I don't want help? I'm so useless, so worthless, what if I really would just be better off dead?"

Blaine laid down next to him. "Kurt you are not worthless. Especially to me, you're worth the world to me. I love you, I hate how hard it is for you to understand that. I hate seeing you so broken. Kurt, you are worth so much." Blaine stroked Kurt's hair, ran his fingers along his face. "What if I'm so broken they can't fix me?" tears slid down Kurt's ivory cheeks.

"If they can't fix you I'll have to put the pieces of you together myself." Blaine softly kissed the tear tracks on Kurt's cheeks, slowly kissing away each teardrop.

"I'm scared." Kurt whispered.

"I'll be with you the whole time, through everything, I promise." Blaine wrapped his arms around Kurt, the younger boys breathing gradually slowing and deepening. Kurt looked more peaceful than he had in months, and Blaine didn't have the heart to wake him. So they stayed there, laying on the floor in a hospital waiting area, Blaine watching over Kurt protectively.

They were still there as the sun rose, Blaine watched the early morning light wash over Kurt, it seemed to cradle and caress the damaged boy. As Kurt lay sleeping bathed in the soft light Blaine couldn't help but notice how innocent he looked, almost angelic. Blaine didn't really know who he was praying to, but he found himself asking, please, as cheesy as it may seem, let this be a symbol for the sun rising in Kurt's life, banishing the darkness, bringing a new start. They would get through this, together, divine intervention or not, but Blaine suddenly wanted to believe there was someone watching over them, helping them, because nothing about this would be easy.


	9. Chapter 9

Kurt moved toward the edge of the bed and motioned for Blaine to join him. "You've been sleeping on a chair out a window seat for four days; do I want to know how bad your back hurts? I mean this bed probably isn't much better but..." Blaine laughed and climbed in next to him, it was a cramped fit, but neither of them minded. "How much longer do I have to stay here?"

"You can leave tomorrow after your first therapy session, unless you want to stay in the mental ward. But you'll still have to come here for therapy four times a week, and even at home you can't be left alone." Blaine stated, having memorized everything the doctor had said. Kurt snuggled into Blaine's side and laid his head on his firm shoulder. "I'm so scared. I don't think anyone can help me. And I don't want to talk to anyone about this."

"I'll be with you the whole time; you won't have to do anything alone. I'll stay with you for your appointments even if they tell me I can't, unless you don't want me there." Blaine kissed him on the forehead.

"I don't want to be here anymore. But I don't want to go home, you're pretty much the only thing holding me together, and you'll be two hours away."

"I'll talk to your dad; see if we can work something out." Blaine rested his head on top of Kurt's, Kurt attempted to sneakily scratch under his bandages but Blaine caught his hand. "How many times do I have to tell you not to scratch Kurt?"

"But it itches."

"It's healing, you're healing, and it would be bad if you scratched your scabs off." Kurt pouted adorably and tangled his legs with Blaines.

He didn't know how he felt about Blaine. He liked the physical closeness and the way Blaine was always there for him. He had wanted to be more than friends before his life spun out of control, and there was no denying he needed Blaine now. But every time he tried to feel something for him he would come close only to have it slide away out of his grasp, the only feeling he had known for months was pain and hatred. He thought he loved the older boy, but he couldn't get a grip on what love felt like. He could think he loved him all he wanted, but love was a feeling. And there was still so much distance between him and any sort of positive emotion, these days even pain had started to fade to apathy. He had had a few moments when something flashed through him, but nothing lasting, nothing that left more than a shadow. He thought he should be embarrassed to be so dependent on Blaine, but that feeling escaped him too. Somewhere in his mind was the idea he should feel guilty for clinging, trying to hold on to Blaine when he knew the gorgeous, charming, bright, outgoing, openly loving boy deserved someone so much better than him. That thought was closer to being a feeling than the rest had been. He wanted to love Blaine, he thought he did. But he was scared he wouldn't ever feel that much again, certainly not something as intense and lasting love Blaine deserved. The thought spun around his head, that he should pull away from Blaine, because he was being selfish holding on to him. That he would never have the emotional capacity to love. But the thought without any emotion behind it was empty, not enough to convince him to let go of the person who had become his lifeline. All he knew was he needed Blaine with him to get through this. But he couldn't shake one poisonous whisper in the back of his mind. Let Blaine leave you now, so it hurts him less when you really kill yourself. Because you know nothing will ever really help you. You will always be alone, and nothing will change how worthless you are. It whispered, and some part of Kurt was listening.

Burt got back to the room after eating lunch in the cafe to find Blaine crammed into Kurt's bed with him, looking around while Kurt slept. "Mr. Hummel, what drugs do they have him on? He randomly dozes off so frequently I'm starting to think he's narcoleptic."

"He's on some pretty massive doses of medications to try to balance his hormones like serotonin out, and mild painkillers for his arms, not to mention he hasn't gotten any real sleep for months."

Blaine inched off the bed and tucked the blankets around Kurt, kissing him on the cheek he went over to Burt. "I was wondering about when Kurt goes home. I wanted to know if I could stay with you guys for awhile. I mean I can sleep on a couch or on the floor, but I think me being there would be best for him."

"You've been amazing with him Blaine, but I can take care of my son at home."

"Kurt always spoke highly of you so I'm not going to call you a bad parent in general, but I don't trust you. Last time I trusted you to take care of him you left him home alone, suicidal, with a razor to his wrist. Clearly someone else needs to be there for him."

Burt couldn't believe Blaine would say that, but as much as he hated to admit it, loathed himself for it, he was right. He had done nothing to prevent Kurt's rapid downward spiral, hadn't even noticed, Blaine had almost certainly saved his sons life. "I'll talk to Carole about it."

"Thank you." Blaine's voice was tense as he crawled back into bed with Kurt.

That night the nightmares started. Kurt was sitting in a plain empty room, tearing at his arms, bleeding freely. He could hear voices whispering, you should just die, why are you still here? No one wants you, no one needs you. You should just die already no one would care, you wouldn't be missed. He was sobbing hysterically, ripping chunks of flesh and muscle from his arms. Blaine came in and sat next to him, Kurt reached towards him for help, comfort, something, drenched in blood now. Blaine laughed cruelly, "You thought I actually cared about you, I just felt bad for you, so pathetic and alone." Kurt whimpered, Karofsky showed up and wrapped his arms around Blaine, "No one wants you Kurt, why can't you just get it through your head and kill yourself properly." Blaine smacked him and he fell to the floor. He saw images of Burt, Carole, and Finn, as a family, himself forgotten, erased as if he had never been there in the first place. Blaine looked at him, disgusted, "Just do us all a favor already." Blaine sneered, throwing a razor blade towards him. Kurt jammed the blade into his mutilated arms. He didn't, or couldn't, feel anything at all.

Blaine woke up around two thirty a.m. Due to Kurt elbowing him forcefully in the ribs. He turned to look at the petite but apparently sharp elbowed brunette and immediately saw something was wrong. Tears streaked down Kurt's cheeks, he whimpered and writhed, twisting and tangling in the sheets, a quiet sob tore from his throat. Blaine shook Kurt's shoulder gently, worried, "Kurt what's wrong?" he kept his voice low trying not to wake Burt, who was snoring in the corner. Kurt didn't respond, Blaine shook him slightly harder. "Kurt please, wake up, it's just a dream." Kurt's eyes suddenly flew open, as his gaze found Blaine he jerked away, curling up on the very edge of the bed. Blaine reached toward him, he flinched away, full fledged sobs wrenching from his throat. His fingers grabbed at the bandages on his arms like he was trying to pull them off. "Kurt calm down I'm not going to hurt you." Blaine put one hand on Kurt's shoulder, pulling his fingers away from the bandages with the other. Kurt tried to move farther away but was already pressed to the side of the bed. Blaine smoothed his hair back, "Kurt it's just a dream, you're awake now you're ok." Blaine was getting frantic when Kurt finally seemed to snap back to reality. "Shh come here, it was just a bad dream." Blaine pulled Kurt into his arms, making what he hoped were comforting noises. As he nuzzled against Kurt he thought he saw a scared, mistrusting look in his eyes.


	10. Chapter 10

Burt sat at Kurt's bedside holding his hand, trying to find the words to tell his son how sorry he was that he had let this happen. Kurt's eyes opened, he hadn't been sleeping just bored.

"Guess we switched places now didn't we dad?" a ghost of a smile flitted across his lips.

Burt was about to reply when Blaine, asleep on the floor, snored loudly. Kurt giggled, the smallest, slightest sound, just for a moment, but to Burt it sounded like a choir of angels.

Eventually Burt had to settle for just, "I'm so sorry Kurt, I know that's not much of a thing to say in this situation but I can't even begin to find the words, I'm so so sorry."

His voice broke at the end, Kurt squeezed his hand, and suddenly Burt found himself painfully aware of what it had been like for Kurt after his heart attack. The doctors had said he had barely left his bedside, had been there the whole time. The Hummel family had spent more than their fair share of time in the hospital, the needed to stick together.

Xxxx

Blaine held Kurt's arms and hands tenderly, Kurt fidgeted as he bandaged them.

"You're going to have some nasty scarring on your arms." Blaine stated without thinking, running his fingers over a particularly deep gouge in his forearm.

"I'm already a freak, what difference do a few scars make?" Kurt sighed.

"You have to stop thinking like that Kurt. There's nothing wrong with you, your different, and that doesn't make you a freak it makes you you. And there's nothing wrong with being who you are." Blaine cupped Kurt's chin in his hand, tilting his face up so the other boys' glass eyes met his, instead of staring down at the floor. "You're beautiful."

Even though he knew the situation and conditions were far from perfect, Blaine couldn't think of another way to make his point as clear, it was the only way he could think of to really get it across to Kurt how much he cared about him, how much a loved him. Knowing everything was far from ideal he leaned in and caught Kurt's lips with his, kissing him gently, his lips felt just as soft and full as they looked, Kurt parted his lips slightly and Blaine flicked his tongue just barely along the delicate curve of his lower lip, not wanting to push him too far. They broke apart and Kurt rested his head against Blaine's shoulder, Blaine bent his head so his mouth was at Kurt's ear,

"Are you going to think I'm a loser when I tell you that was my first kiss." Kurt sighed not quite able to comprehend what had just happened.

His chest tightened with feeling, his breath caught, as Blaine cradled him protectively against him, he was a little overwhelmed, going from not feeling anything to such a sharp clear emotion. He wanted to stay there forever, in Blaine's arms; he couldn't make sense of everything he was feeling. He realized he did love Blaine, even if he could only access the feeling occasionally, was it possible to feel like this on a daily basis? He had a sudden sense of Blaine protecting him from the world, watching out for him, keeping him safe from anything that could hurt him, even himself.

"I love you Kurt." Blaine ran his fingers through Kurt's hair.

"I love you too." Kurt whispered so softly Blaine barely heard, as though he was testing the words.

Xxxx

Blaine found Kurt in the lounge, kneeling on a bench looking out a window. His disappearance from his room had caused a minor uproar, but Blaine had known he would find him here, escaping from everything. Blaine came up behind him and wrapped his arms around his waist.

"It's time for therapy." His lips brushed Kurt's neck as he spoke.

Kurt sighed, still staring out the window watching a flock of birds fly by. "I wish I was that free, could just fly away from, everything."

Blaine rested his chin on Kurt's shoulder, "You could fly if we fixed you're broken wings, you could go so far in this world." He lifted him off the bench, "We need to go Kurt."

"I'm scared." Kurt whispered, shaking slightly. "I don't want to talk to anyone about anything."

"I'll be with you the whole time, as long as you want me there, you can't keep hiding everything inside, you need to talk to someone or you'll never get any better. You have to let someone help you, someone other than me, who actually has half an idea what they're doing, because no matter how hard I try to help you, I don't really know much, everything I can do for you is on an emotional level, I don't really know what to do to actually make you better, I'm just doing what I can to take care of you because I love you." Kurt feathered his lips against Blaine's,

"Ok Freud, let's go to the shrink." Blaine noticed that sounded like something Kurt would have said before he got caught in this downward spiral. He squeezed his hand,

"Courage."

Xxxx

The therapist was trying her hardest to kick Blaine out, he was refusing to go. After yammering on about patient confidentiality and privacy and rights until she was blue in the face she sighed, looking exasperated, and turned to Kurt.

"Mr. Hummel, are you one hundred percent sure you're comfortable with Mr. Anderson hearing any personal information we discuss in here, including subjects that may make you uncomfortable and taking into consideration that what we talk about in here is not meant to be heard by anyone outside this room or discussed with anyone else."

"Yes." Kurt hoped his voice sounded more decisive than he felt, he knew he couldn't get through this alone, but he didn't want Blaine hearing anything that would make him change his mind about staying with him. But Blaine knew so much already, Kurt knew somehow he could let Blaine hear anything, and the other boy would stand by him anyway.

"Well I'm really not supposed to allow this but both of you take a seat on the couch." They sat down, Kurt drawing his legs up, gripping Blaine's arm.

Xxxx

Blaine wanted to stop the therapy session; he hated how haunted Kurt was starting to look, having to relive his traumas. He was trembling, his grip on Blaine's arm had tightened to the point Blaine was surprised his fingernails hadn't drawn blood.

"How much longer is this?" he interrupted, trying to subtly call attention to Kurt's distress.

"I think we've done enough for today, does someone close to you have a schedule of when you're supposed to be here for the next few months?"

"Yes, my dad does." Kurt's voice was barely audible.

"Well I'll see you soon Kurt, you did great today." She smiled, Blaine wished she would just stop talking, "And, Mr. Anderson, would you stay for a moment?"

Blaine kissed Kurt on the forehead, "You're dad is finishing up everything so you can leave soon, go help him get everything together, I'll be right there." After one more embrace Kurt left.

"So what did you need to talk about?"

"I wanted to know what your relationship with Kurt is, I'm trying to get a clearer picture of his relationships with the people in his life, it makes it easier to help him if I know how he connects to whom."

Blaine answered as honestly as he could, "I'm anything he needs me to be."


	11. Chapter 11

Kurt looked around his stark white room and sighed.

"I might as well be back in the hospital."

Blaine squeezed his hand, noticing uncomfortably that there were still spots in the room stained pink where the blood hadn't been cleaned completely off.

"Is the fact I actually want to get dressed an improvement?" Kurt made a half hearted attempt at humor.

Blaine smiled warmly, "After wearing a hospital gown for that long I think anyone would be desperate for real clothes."

Kurt dressed simply and went to lay down in his bed. Therapy and getting home had been more activity than he had done in a while and he was exhausted.

"Are you ok for a little bit, I need to go home and get some things?"

"Yea, I'm just going to take a nap. I'm worn out."

It broke Blaine's heart to see Kurt in such a state that every single movement and thought took such an effort. He looked back as he went upstairs, hating the way Kurt looked. In that sterile white room laying on that plain bed with nothing but white sheets on it, with his eyes closed he looked cadaverous, like he was laying in wait in a morgue. Blaine shuddered, that room needed some major changes.

Xxxx

After packing what he needed, Blaine left his house and headed back to Kurt's. Burt was waiting for him.

"Blaine I just think there are a few things we need to talk about. If you're ok with it I think it might be best if you slept in Kurt's room. I trust you guys aren't going to be doing anything considering the state Kurt is in. And honestly I'll feel better knowing he isn't alone. So if you're ok with it I can bring a mattress down there for you."

"That's completely fine Mr. Hummel. I promise you can trust me to take care of him."

"You've done a better job taking care of him than I have." Burt's voice was heavy, as much as Blaine felt like the 'proper' thing to do would deny Burt's statement he couldn't lie like that. He squeezed Burt's shoulder, feeling like somehow their roles had just reversed for a moment, and went downstairs.

Kurt was sleeping peacefully when Blaine walked in. Blaine kissed his cheek and set to work. He draped the slightly worn quilt he had slept under for most of his life over Kurt's frail form, knowing the grandmother who made it for him would approve. He then set about placing the other things he had brought around the room. Several framed pictures of the two of them, a collage of little things he had kept, like the cardboard coffee cup sleeves from their first coffee date, their names scribbled on them, their tickets from when they had gone to see rent, the cover of Katy Perry's teenage dream album, the napkin Kurt had scribbled his number on. It was a little stalker-ish bordering obsessive he would admit but a nice touch in this case. He added a few candles and little trinkets, stacked some CD's by the radio, threw his shag rug on the floor. The end result was a little chaotic, a hybrid of both their rooms, and Blaine decided to go out and look for some furniture or something to try to tie it all together. He figured something like that would be good for Kurt, a brief foray into interior design, try to pique his interest in something.

Kurt woke shortly after, and glanced at the quilt curiously.

"I don't think I've ever seen this before..."

Blaine chuckled, "I brought some stuff over, your room was so...barren. It was creepy."

Kurt snuggled against the worn quilt inhaling the scent that was just...Blaine, his body wash, shampoo, deodorant, peppermint, and whatever else it was Blaine smelled like. Still lacking energy Kurt looked up at Blaine with vulnerable, trusting eyes.

"Lay with me for a little bit?"

Blaine lay down and Kurt almost immediately buried himself in his arms. When Blaine held him it seemed like maybe things would be ok again. He felt safe and loved for the first time. If only he could live his whole life in his arms.

Xxxx

"Mr. Hummel?"

"What Blaine?"

"I was just wondering when Kurt was supposed to go back to school? And does anyone there know what happened?"

"We haven't decided when yet, and pretty sure Finn hasn't told anyone."

Blaine just nodded and went back down to Kurt's room, reluctant to leave the the younger boy alone for long. He seemed much better, but he was still far from fine. And being completely honest with himself Blaine would admit he was still a little scared of how empty and distant Kurt's once vibrant, glass eyes still were, even if they did show the rarest glimmer of a spark occasionally now.

Xxxx

Blaine was upstairs making a cup of chamomile tea to help him sleep when he heard the scream echoing from Kurt's room. He ran downstairs to find the delicate teen tangled in his blankets, twisting, screaming and sobbing, his body slick with sweat. Blaine could only imagine how horrific a nightmare would have to be to have that effect. And considering what Kurt had been dealing with, the terrors plaguing his dreams were likely uncomfortably close to the reality of the past months. Blaine sat down on the edge of the bed and gently started shaking Kurt's shoulders.

"Please wake up, it's just a dream Kurt." Blaine continued to shake and plead with Kurt. Burt ran into the room looking disoriented.

"Oh god what happened I heard screaming." His speech was slurred with sleep as he panicked.

"Just a nightmare."

Kurt had finally stopped screaming, and had just begun to open his eyes. As he saw Blaine hovering over him he knotted his hands into the material of his  
shirt, clinging to him, burying his face in his shoulder as he continued to cry. Blaine's wrapped his arms protectively around Kurt, hugging him closer as he lay down slowly with him, keeping him cradled to his chest. He stroked Kurt's hair, making soothing noises, feathering his lips on the top of his head as Kurt cried into his neck and shoulder.

Burt was still standing in the room, feeling uncomfortable, like he was intruding on something immensely private, watching an intimate moment no one was supposed to see. The only thing he could liken it to was if her had walked in on the two of them having sex, intimate, loving, tender, private. There was something...intense, about the way Blaine looked at Kurt, the look in his eyes so much more mature than any teens should be, the suggestion of how much deeper their relationship was compared to most teenage loves. Blaine watched over Kurt like he was ready to take a bullet for him at any minute, Burt didn't think had ever seen two people look at each other the way Kurt and Blaine looked at each other, especially not two people so young. Kurt was taller but Blaine's broader build enveloped him, curled around him like he was trying to hide him away from the world. Burt left them, still pondering how two young boys could have such a connection, knowing that as long as Blaine was around he could trust that Kurt was safe.


	12. Chapter 12

Kurt sat on the floor in front of the mirror, studying his reflection. Dark circles surrounded his eyes, black against his colorless skin, his lips were slightly swollen, dark red from his chewing on them. He lifted his hand and touched his face lightly. His eyes seemed sunken, the hollows under them seemed unusually deep as he traced them with his fingers. He ran his hand down the dry, almost papery skin of his cheek, touching his lips hurt, they were raw, missing patches of skin from his constantly chewing them. He had promised Blaine he would stop doing things to hurt himself but sometimes he couldn't help it, or he found himself biting into the sensitive skin without having realized he was doing it. His shoulder blades stuck out roughly, his whole body almost skeletal from months of not eating, the various healing cuts and scars stood out in stark contrast to his grayish white arms. For a moment the deep black of the stitches swam in front of his eyes, it would be so easy to take them out, even just nail scissors would work, he could finally finish what he had started, finally be done. Kurt closed his eyes and sank his teeth into his lip, his fingernails bit into his palms as he clenched his hands, no he wasn't going to think like that anymore. No he couldn't, wouldn't, think that way; he would make it through this somehow. He had to. He still didn't really have a will to live, but he didn't really want to die either. He could go either direction, and even if he wasn't sure he could stand on his own again he knew he didn't want to spiral back down to where he had been.

Cautiously Finn opened the door to Kurt's room and peered in. His step brother was sitting in front of a mirror, eyes closed; he called his name quietly not wanting to startle him as he entered the room. Kurt's eyes opened and he turned to look at Finn, not saying anything, it honestly freaked him out a bit, Kurt's apathetic gaze was rather unsettling. Finn settled himself on the bed, noticing the quilt and other trinkets Blaine had added. "Kurt, I just, just wanted." Finn paused and looked down at his hands, his eyes tracing the pattern of the quilt. "Kurt I just wanted to let you know I should've noticed something was wrong, I shouldn't have shrugged away what I did notice, I feel horrible for ignoring you the way I did. I wish I had done something, I hate to see you like this, when you used to be so full of life. I know it probably doesn't mean much now, it doesn't change that I ignored you when you needed someone. But I wanted you to know, even if I'm not sure you can forgive me, if there's anything I can do for you let me know, I want to do my best to help you, Blaines doing a great job, but you're my brother, ok Kurt, I want to be there for you, if you ever even just want to talk, you know where my room is."

Finn squeezed Kurt's bony shoulder, Kurt just continued to look at him for a moment, then a small, shaky smile came to his lips. "Thank you Finn. And I won't hold it against you. If I don't do my best to forgive I'd be even more alone." Finn could almost feel his unintentional prejudice against showing affection for other guys crumble as he hugged Kurt close.

As Finn was going back up the stairs Blaine was heading down, Finn paused, "Blaine, um I just wanted to say thanks, for ya know taking care of Kurt." without waiting for a reply Finn disappeared upstairs.

Blaine found Kurt still sitting in front of the mirror, lightly tracing along his face with his fingertips again, as though trying to remind himself who he was, what he looked like. Blaine lowered himself to the floor next to the fragile boy, pulling his hand away from his face to hold, cupping Kurt's face with his other hand. "You're beautiful." he breathed, caressing Kurt's cheek with his thumb, Kurt turned his gaze downward. Blaine kissed Kurt's forehead, then nose, then earlobe, then cheek, "I love you." his voice was gentle, but had a matter-of-fact, don't try to argue edge to it. Kurt looked up at him trustingly, his eyes vulnerable. Then looking scared and hesitant he slowly leaned forward and touched his trembling lips to Blaines. Blaine was stunned, staying completely still so as not to startle him, Kurt just barely nudged Blaines lips with his tongue. Blaine took it as permission to kiss him back, still being careful he responded slowly, one arm around Kurt's waist the other still cupped his face. Kurt pulled away after another long moment and nestled against Blaines shoulder. Sighing he tilted his face up to look at Blaine, for the first time in months in months Kurt's eyes glittered with light, with life, a real smile on his lips.

Xxxx

Blaine took Kurt's hand as they walked into the flea market. Kurt hadn't been anywhere this public in awhile and Blaine would admit he was a little apprehensive. Almost as soon as Blaine twined his fingers into Kurt's they started to get dirty looks from various other shoppers, Kurt squeezed Blaines hand tightly. Blaine was surprised Kurt had even agreed to go; he had kind of expected Kurt to argue about buying second hand furniture. Not really sure where they were headed they wandered along the rows, occasionally stopping to look at the various trinkets offered. Blaine stopped to look at someone's extensive vinyl record collection and Kurt wandered away. Realizing Kurt was no longer by his side he looked up to see where he had gone. Spotting a distinctive marc Jacobs coat at a vendor he headed that way.

Blaine found Kurt playing with a hyperactive puppy, just barely smiling as the little dog ran around, tripping over its own feet. The puppy pounced into Kurt's lap and began vigorously licking his face. Kurt laughed, hugging the animal to his chest, Blaine knelt down next to him, wanting to shake his head at the scenario, apparently puppies really could make anyone smile. Something about Kurt's face seemed so open and vulnerable, almost childishly innocent in that moment, simply playing with an animal, not thinking about his life. Blaine scratched the dog under the chin, he was normally a cat person but anything that could get Kurt to smile like that was fine with him. The woman running the booth came over to them, "Are you two looking to adopt a puppy." Blaine couldn't help but laugh, "I think we would get kicked out if we came home with a dog."

Kurt made a disgruntled noise as the puppy licked him in the mouth. Blaine laughed again, this time at Kurt's scrunched up face. "Come on, we should go before we buy a dog and your dad shoots me for it." Kurt stood and reluctantly handed the puppy back, tangling his fingers in Blaines again as they continued their quest for furniture.

Kurt stretched out on a rather...interesting couch, "Blaine I like this one." he called. Blaine turned to the couch in question and Kurt motioned him over. Blaine looked over the couch, "Its fine as long as its big enough to cuddle on." he climbed on next to Kurt and Kurt leaned against him, snuggling close, surprised to realize he didn't care what anyone thought of him. Blaine placed a soft kiss on Kurt's forehead, then felt a tap on his shoulder. "I'm going to have to ask you to leave; you're making my other patrons uncomfortable."  
Blaine fought the urge to argue with the man, instead looking to see how Kurt handled being talked to like that. Kurt seemed to have closed himself back off, looking hurt. Blaine noticed his nails biting into his palms, his teeth dug into his lower lip. "Let's go find something else." Blaine suggested quietly, prying Kurt's clenched fists open, ignoring the man still standing behind them. As they walked away Blaine noticed a straight couple making out on one of the other couches.

Kurt stopped in the middle of the walkway, looking at Blaine. "What's wrong with me? Why can't I go anywhere without getting treated like I'm below everyone else? Why can't I walk down the street holding hands with someone I like without getting ridiculed and verbally abused for it? I just wish I could be someone else, why can't I just be normal?"

Blaine could feel his heart shattering as Kurt spoke; he wrapped his arms tightly around Kurt, "There's nothing wrong with you Kurt, nothing at all. If anything there's something wrong with everyone who treats you like that, who makes you think like that. You're not below anyone, you're just another person, you just want to be loved, that's completely normal, no matter what. Don't listen to them, you're stronger than that Kurt, I know you are."

"Blaine, I'm so scared. One day you're just going to walk away and not look back, you'll realize I'm not worth it. And I'm so scared. I don't know what I'm going to do without you."

"I could never walk away from you Kurt, I would never want anyone else, you are worth everything to me, I love you so much it hurts, I can't imagine leaving you."

Kurt buried his face in Blaines shoulder and Blaine tightened his arms around Kurt's bony shoulders.

**IMPORTANT PLEASE READ- So this is wrapping up in the next several chapters and i wanted some opinions on what i should write next. I have the first chapters to several of these written already,**

**1-a mostly internal fic about blaine and his feelings for kurt and how they change, written episode by episode with each episode as a chapter.**

**2- AU about kurt taking a job as a nanny in new york over the summer and finding himself caught between the families reclusive, troubled stepson blaine and sweet, boy next door sam, all while trying to keep the kids under control while they break every rule they can.**

**3- AU wing!fic, blaine finds himself sold into slavery, owned by a cruel lord, lord hummel is abusive and generally violent, so what will happen when blaine realizes he's falling for him? (P.S. blaine isthe one with wings)**

**4- Future!fic blaine has a heart attack, centered around kurt dealing with it**

**5- (I'm not sure about this one, its a distant option.) kurt dealing with an eating disorder, the warblers tryingto help him. (I think this is too similar to save me from myself XP)**

**6- Or should i just focus on come with me, btw i have chapter 6 written i just need to type it and find a beta**

**7- There was one thing Blaine didn't think about when Kurt transferred to Dalton, what if Kurt didn't want him once there were other gay guys around.**

*****this is in addition to a few more oneshots i have planned if anyone is wondering what im up to fanfic wise, oh and im writing chapter three to what happensin london, ill definitly be continuing that.**


	13. Chapter 13

Kurt was sprawled on the couch with his head in Blaine's lap. Kurt sighed in contentment as Blaine slowly rubbed circles on his back. Little moments like this had been getting more and more frequent. Kurt's mind raced, doubts tormenting him. He hated how he couldn't just relax and enjoy moments like this. "Blaine." he murmured as Blaine ran his warm fingers through his hair. "Why are you still here?" His voice was whisper soft. He hadn't meant to say the words out loud. As soon as the words slipped out he panicked. He knew Blaine deserved better than him. He knew he wasn't worth it, but there was no denying he needed Blaine. Without him, Kurt would just fall apart again. What if Blaine started thinking about why he stayed and realized he really didn't have a reason to? Kurt was so lost in thought that he hadn't realized he was digging his nails into his arms until he felt Blaine's warm, firm fingers prying his hands open.

"Kurt, why are you so determined to find ways to hurt yourself?"

"I don't try, I guess it's just an instinct when I freak out now."Blaine wrapped one hand around both of Kurt's fragile wrists, then nudged him to the edge of the couch so he could lay down behind him.

"So you were just freaking out over something?" he asked softly. He felt Kurt try to free his wrists, probably to claw his arms again. "You did it again, I said something and you grabbed at your arms. What's wrong?" he felt Kurt take a long, deep, shuddering breath.

"I- I was wondering why you stayed. So I started thinking about you leaving and I panicked. I- I'm so scared Blaine, I'm just waiting for you to realize you can do so much better and walk out on me. I'm scared you're just going to leave. And I can't handle even thinking about that, but I know its going to happen. I don't know why you stay, and I'm scared you don't know either."

"Kurt, why is it so hard for you to understand that I love you more than anything? Yea I will admit it's a lot to deal with. It's hard, I won't deny that, it's a lot of weight on my shoulders, but that doesn't change how I feel about you. You don't have to be scared of me leaving because I won't. One day this will all be behind us, and we will be stronger because of it. I love you Kurt. That's why I stay, because I don't want anyone else. You're a little screwed up right now, but that won't last forever, and I'm not going to leave you to deal with that alone. I'm here because I want to be, but you seem to have convinced yourself that I'm here because I feel like it's just the right thing to do, that no one would be here for you willingly. But I am, I'm here because I want to get through this with you. That phone call from your dad, telling me what happened, was the most terrifying thing to ever happen to me. Forget getting beaten up, that phone call, and seeing you like that was the single most painful thing in my life. I didn't know my heart could break into so many pieces. That won't happen again Kurt, you can beat this. I love you so, so much, and we will get through this. You will get better." Blaine realized that, for once, he was the one crying.

"What if I don't get better?" Kurt whispered.

"Wont change anything. But you need to stop telling yourself that, because you will get past this. You're stronger than you realize, Kurt. It'll be rough, but you can beat it, and I'll do what I can to help you."

Kurt fell silent, his fingers were now twisted in Blaine's, he turned to bury his face into Blaine's shoulder, wishing he could just lose himself in...his boyfriend? Was that what Blaine was, or even just what Blaine might become? "I believe you." Kurt murmured, surprising even himself. Maybe he really might get better. "I love you." he whispered, so soft Blaine wasn't sure if he had really heard it. Kurt tested the words with the new, frightening, overwhelming, feeling he was now experiencing.

Xxxx

Blaine sat on the couch in the front room strumming his guitar, while he thought about what had been going on in his life lately. He wasn't really sure what he was doing. He was just acting on what seemed right at the time and hoping that would be enough. Music had always helped him clear his head, so he began to sing along with the song he had unconsciously started to play.

_Well, I couldn't tell you_

_Why he felt that way he felt it every day_

_And I couldn't help him_

_I just watched him make_

_The same mistakes again_

_What's wrong, what's wrong now?Too many, too many problems_

_Don't know where he belongs, Where he belongs_

_he wants to go home_

_But nobody's home_

_That's where he lies_

_Broken inside_

_With no place to go No place to go_

_To dry his eyes_

_Broken inside_

_Open your eyes_

_And look outside_

_Find the reasons why_

Kurt heard Blaine's voice from the hallway and drifted into the room. He hadn't heard Blaine sing anything for awhile. Blaine sensing someone watching him looked up and blushed. He hadn't meant for anyone to hear him. His fingers stilled as Kurt sat down on the piano bench. "Why did you stop?"

"Did you want me to keep playing?"

"Maybe."Blaine decided to take a chance and see if he could get Kurt to at least try to take an interest in something he used to love.

"How about you join in, I know you play piano." he ran his fingers along the keys, then squeezed Kurt's hand. Kurt hesitated for a moment, then took a breath. He settled his fingers on the keys, looking a little unsure. Blaine started playing again.

_I'm standin' on the bridge_

_I'm waitin' in the dark_

_I thought that you'd be here by now_

_There's nothing but the rain_

_No footsteps on the ground_

I'm listening but there's no sound

Kurt slowly began to play along, his fingers finding the keys by instinct if nothing else. Then, to Blaine's surprise Kurt softly began to sing along. It wasn't his usual vocal acrobatics, his voice rang high and thin, but he was singing. Blaine almost dropped his guitar, before quickly regaining his place in the song. He lowered his own voice so that he didn't overpower Kurt.

_Isn't anyone tryin' to find me?_

_Won't somebody come take me home?_

_It's a damn cold night, I'm tryin' to figure out this life_

_Won't you take me by the hand?Take me somewhere new_

_I'm, I'm with you I'm with you_

Kurt hadn't even really thought about it. One minute he was playing the piano, the next he had opened his mouth to sing. He should have been embarrassed to let anyone hear him sounding so rough, but he didn't care, and this time not out of sheer apathy. It was because he knew Blaine wouldn't care. It wouldn't make a difference. He hadn't had any interest in singing because he hadn't had the emotion to put into it. But maybe he was finding his voice again.

_Is anybody here I know?'Cause nothing's going right_

_And everything's a mess_

_And no one likes to be alone_

_isn't anyone tryin' to find me?_

_Won't somebody come take me home?_

The song ended, and the silence seemed almost tangible. Blaine stood and rested his hands on Kurt's shoulders. Kurt leaned his head back to look Blaine in the eyes. After a moment, his face split into a grin. He started laughing. Exhilarated, joy-filled laughter. His whole face lit up, seeming to brighten the room. Blaine joined in, laughing hard enough to fall off the bench and accidentally pulling Kurt with him. They lay, a tangled mess of giggles and laughs on the floor. After a few minutes, Kurt quieted, his expression settling back into the blank, zombie-like look Blaine had come to expect. Blaine realized that Kurt really was slowly, but surely, getting better. Even a few weeks ago an outburst like that would have seemed impossible, yet here they were. Sure he wasn't suddenly just fine again, but even these random out pours of emotion showed he was getting better. He was feeling, even if he did eventually close off again. He was finding his voice, finding himself. Blaine tangled his fingers with Kurt's, holding him close, wishing he could just hide him away from the world for as long as he needed to heal.

**Hello everyone, I know I haven't updated in forever, the songs used are I'm With You and Nobody's Home by Avril Lavinge, I know it's not likely that they would know the songs but I thought the lyrics fit. **


	14. Chapter 14

Finn shifted his weight awkwardly as he stood in front of the glee club. "There's something you guys need to know." he finally started. "I'm sure you've all noticed Kurt's absence, and before he comes back you should know what happened." Finn took a deep breath. Then just blurted it out, "Kurt tried to kill himself." There was a moment of stunned silence as everyone tried to wrap their heads around what Finn had just said.

"Is there anything we can do?" Quinn asked, looking a cross between mortified and shocked.

"I really don't know much right now, but just watch out for him at school, keep an eye on him, and it would probably be best to not ask questions."

"Why wouldn't you tell us sooner? Kurt's one of us, we should have known something." Sam questioned, his voice incredulous.

"I had other things to worry about Sam. Keeping him safe was my concern, and it was best if no one else got involved."

"You talk about being concerned and keeping him safe, but what kind of brother doesn't notice his sibling is depressed and suicidal?" Mercedes accused.

"Aren't you supposed to be his best friend Mercedes? You didn't notice either, he hides everything." Finn was starting to lose his temper, they were acting like he was at fault for everything, some of the blame was his but not all."Guys, ok, Kurt is coming back next week, and you need to be there for him. We all should have seen something was wrong and we didn't, but we need to try to fix it now."

They all looked shaken, no one quite sure how to react anymore. A few of the girls even seemed to be on the verge of tears. Finn sat down to avoid any more questions.

Xxxx

Kurt was laying in his room, flipping through a dog-eared copy of the _Picture of Dorian Gray, _when Burt came down."Hey Kurt, I know I've kinda been avoiding talking to you, but I- I'm ready now. I just… had to think about some things, re-evaluate my life lately." Burt took a deep, steadying breath. "I realized that I always thought I did a good job raising you, parenting and all, but I should have paid more attention recently. I shouldn't have been so wrapped up in Carole and Finn. _You_ are the most important thing in my life, _you_ are my son and nothing will change that. I love _you_ more than anything Kurt, and almost losing you was one of the most horrifying moments of my life. I lost your mom, and seeing you in that bed, in the hospital, it made me realize I needed to do more to take care of the people in my life. I promise in the future I will always be there when you need me, for anything. I've been thinking about life a lot lately, and I never should have let this happen. From now on, I'm here whenever you need me, I promise. You can talk to me. No matter what, no matter who else lives here you're my son, and for the past eight years you were all I had, and just because Finn has more in common with me, and is part of our lives now, doesn't make you any less of my son."

Kurt just watched his dad for a moment then sat up, "Thank you." he said simply, then hugged his dad, "Thank you, dad." Burt wrapped his arms around his son, reminded uncomfortably of comforting him after Elizabeth's death, he would do whatever he could to protect him from now on. Kurt had suffered to much in his short life, and it had been on Burt's watch. That won't happen, not anymore.

Xxxx

Santana sealed the envelope and went to find Finn. After tracking him down, she tapped him on the shoulder. "Finn, do me a favor and give this to Kurt. But do not read it, seriously. Open this and your life is forfeit. I promise it's nothing that will upset him." she handed it to him and turned around. "Do. Not. Open. It." she tossed over her shoulder. Finn looked at the envelope, it seemed innocent enough, but should he really trust Santana? Surely even she wouldn't be heartless and cruel enough to harass someone in Kurt's situation. Finn decided he might as well give Kurt the note.

"Hey Kurt, Santana wanted me to give you this. I don't know what it is, she threatened to kill me if I opened it, but she swears its nothing bad." Finn handed Kurt the envelope, still a little hesitant. Kurt took it and Finn left, for some reason feeling like staying would be intruding on something. Not sure what Santana could possibly want with him, Kurt opened the envelope and pulled out a piece of white copy paper with a note written on it with a floral hand drawn border. Unfolding it he began to read.

_Kurt,_

_I want to start by saying you are the most amazing, beautiful, inspiring, talented person I know. I've been a bitch to you, well I'm a bitch to everyone really, but I always kinda, well I wish there was a better way to say it, but I looked up to you in a way. You were out and proud and strong and I wished I could be that comfortable with myself and my sexuality, being a bitch was my way of dealing. I just wanted to tell you that I think you are amazing, and I know that you'll be able to get through anything life throws at you because you're stronger than anything that could happen, time and time again I've seen you hold your head up high through things that would break most people. And don't listen to anyone who tries to bring you down, you are so talented, and so beautiful, there is nothing wrong with you, there's just a lot wrong with the people who tell you otherwise. Your worth more than they are. And personally I'm sorry for anything I've ever done to you. I know you'll get through this._

_~ Santana_

_P.S. Please don't tell anyone I'm lesbian. And I know things have been rough for you, but I scheduled mani-pedis for us tomorrow if you want to go call me._

Kurt finished reading the letter in a state of disbelief. Santana, of all people, sent this. It was the nicest thing anyone had said to him, other than Blaine. He never would have thought she would be the one to reach out to him. It just proved that at least one person cared. With a small smile Kurt tucked the paper back in the envelope and opened his nightstand drawer. The first thing in the drawer to catch his eye was the pocketknife he had been cutting himself with for so long. He put the letter in the drawer and pulled out the knife. Turning it over in his slim fingers he touched every imperfection on the blade, then turned and threw it out the window, not caring if he hit anything. Blaine knocked on the doorframe as he descended the stairs, "Kurt?" instead of an answer he was greeted with Kurt hurling himself into his arms and burying his face in his chest. "Somebody feels a little better today." Blaine laughed and wrapped his arms around Kurt, lifting him just a little off the floor. "I think I'm going to go out tomorrow." was Kurt's only reply.

**A/n- So just wanted to say that the next few chapters will be up rather quickly, and quick question, would you guys be interested in reading an alternate ending after I wrap this up?**


	15. Chapter 15

"Do I have to go back? I don't want to. Does it even matter?" Kurt sighed, leaning against Blaine.

"You can't hide in your house forever. You have to face the world at some point." Blaine rubbed the back of Kurt's neck and played with his hair.

"What's the point?" Kurt asked, sighing deeply.

"If you want to get better, you have to try to let people in again. There's a difference between getting better and turning into a hermit so no one can hurt you again." Blaine laced his fingers with Kurt's. "I love you. You'll be fine, I promise. Have I ever lied to you?"

"…I'm scared."

"Kurt, I know it seems hard, but you have to face your fears. What doesn't break you will only make you stronger."

Kurt snuggled closer to Blaine.

Xxxx

Blaine adjusted his tie and straightened his blazer, nervous about both Kurt's first day back at school and having to be so far away from him. He knew he couldn't stay with him all the time, but he would feel better if they at least went to the same school. He would just have to trust Finn to keep an eye on Kurt.

Kurt stood in front of the mirror, straightening his clothes and fixing his hair. He attempted to smile, but it looked more like a grimace.

Xxxx

"I can't do this. Finn I can't, I can't go in there. I can't do it." Kurt said, as he sat in the passenger seat of Finns car clutching his bag to his chest. "Please, Finn, just take me home."

"At least try to do this, Kurt. Go today, and if you really can't handle it, I'll take you home and you can wait even longer. But Burt wouldn't suggest this if he didn't have a good reason to think you could do it." Finn took both Kurt's slender hands in his. "At least give it a chance. You can do this, Kurt."

Kurt's breathing was deep and rapid, as he slowly nodded his head. "Ok."

Santana found him almost immediately, pulling him into a hug. "Hey Kurt, it's great to see you again." He hugged her back with a small smile.

"Hey, Santana, your nails still look great."

She laughed and squeezed him again. The first bell rang.

Kurt slid into his seat, hoping to avoid attracting any attention, luckily the teacher didn't call him out and he had never talked to anyone in the class to start with. He really didn't know what he was writing. He just took the notes, trying to keep his mind on something other than what the other students were probably saying about him. His phone buzzed and he checked it discreetly.

_Blaine: I love you 3_

A hint of a smile ghosted across Kurt's lips. After all, how many times had he fantasized about someone doing little things like send him sweet I love you texts during class? Being the hopeless romantic that he was, Kurt saved the message to his phone. Maybe he could do this after all. The next text brought a real smile to his face.

_Blaine: courage ;)_

Everything was going rather well. He had gotten through his first couple classes and had one more period to figure out what to do when he had to face his glee friends at lunch, or he could eat in the library. All in all it was going as well as could be expected, until he left third period to go to fourth.

"Hey fairy boy," Karofsky cornered Kurt against the lockers. "I thought you finally figured out no one here wants you and left for good."

Kurt trembled, terrified.

"Shoulda done us all a favor and stayed gone homo. No one would miss you."

The words echoed in Kurt's mind. Karofsky was standing there saying the thing Kurt had been asking himself for months, would anyone miss him?

He couldn't have moved if he had the chance. He was frozen in place, his fears and doubts beginning to creep back in. It was the next sentence that did it.

"No one cares about you. No one needs you, not even the other glee losers. You should have just killed yourself. You're nothing but a worthless fag."

Whatever confidence Kurt had built up crumbled down. Worthless, no one cares, should have killed yourself, worthless, worthless. In one sentence Karofsky had sent Kurt careening back to sitting in his room with a blade to his wrist, hating everything about himself, almost the exact things Karofsky had said running through his mind. He had torn into wounds that had just started to heal, reminded him of everything he wanted to let go. Karofsky pushed him back against the locker, and Kurt, not even knowing where he was going, ran.

He found himself in the bathroom, leaning against the wall of the corner farthest from the door partially hidden behind a sink, his knees drawn up against his chest, his arms around them as he sobbed. Not knowing what else to do he did the only thing he knew would help stop the pain even if he would hate himself for it later. Fumbling around his bag he found the mini sewing kit he kept in it, and pulled out the small scissor and dug the point into his arm. He had said he would stop, he didn't want to do this anymore, but in the end it was all he could do.

Finn looked around his class, Kurt wasn't there and he was starting to worry, he leaned over to Sam, "Have you seen Kurt?"

"No. Why?"

"He should be here. I need to go look for him. I promised I would watch out for him."

"I'll help. Get Puckerman, I'm sure he will too."

It was Sam who found Kurt, curled in a ball, his face buried in his arms, the scissor laying on the floor next to him, blood clinging to the harsh metal edge. "Kurt, what happened?" Sam put a hand on Kurt's shoulder, kneeling down next to him.

"I-i didn't want to. I thought I was getting better. I thought I wouldn't have to do it anymore. I don't want to hurt myself anymore, but it's the only thing that helps. Why can't people just leave me alone? I don't want to be like this."

"What are you talking about?"

Kurt hesitantly lifted his head, spots of blood dark on ivory skin where he had rested on his arm. Then, tears spilling down his cheeks, he slowly held out his arm, red and bleeding.

"Oh, Kurt," Sam said as he pulled Kurt close to let him rest his head in his chest. He noticed Kurt hadn't just cut into his arm. He had carved the word "worthless" into his flesh.

"I didn't want to but the things he was saying." Kurt's voice was muffled.

"Shh, Finn called your dad. He'll come get you." Sam did his best to be as soothing as possible.

**Notes-I know in glee Karofsky isn't that brutal, but sadly in the show his character is very toned down because theres limits to what they can have in a tv show, in comparison to what people like him would really do and say. **


	16. Authors Note

Hey everyone, I know most people who read and reviewed this story probably don't remember it or have any interest in reading it any more, but I just reread it and was thinking I want to finish it up. I know it's been at least a year if not two and I've been really struggling with writing, and I'm just starting to get back into both fanfiction and my original works, and to anyone who has ever reviewed this story or any of my others, thank you so much, going back and reading my reviews, especially on this one was really a boost to my confidence reading that even two years ago when I feel like my writing wasn't any good people were telling me I was talented and incredible was just amazing and definitely makes me want to start writing again. So anyone who is maybe just now reading this or has read it before let me know if you think this is worth finishing and if you think I should continue posting anything here at all, feel free to review or private message me and let me know. I'm also always open to new writing ideas if anyone has any suggestions, I would prefer suggestions about Kurt and Blaine or Sebastian and Hunter but I won't do Kurt with Sebastian or Hunter and Blaine with either of them is iffy. Also a lot has changed in the glee universe and with the fans so if Klaine is totally irrelevant now just tell me, they will always be my favorite glee couple so I prefer to write them but if no one reads it anymore I understand, if anyone wants to update me on such things it will be greatly appreciated. And to anyone who actually follows this story and thinks posting this as a chapter is a total tease, I apologize, if there's interest in it I will post a new chapter. And also to any first time readers, I'm aware the story has many grammar mistakes and such but please understand at the time I wrote most of it I was fifteen and writing and posting without anyone editing, no beta reader, and no one at all editing or reading over for me so please don't be too harsh about it.

I hope I hear from some of you guys soon and thank you again to anyone whose ever taken the time to leave a nice review or encourage me to write, and another thank you to the many people who took the time to share their personal experiences and stories with me both as reviews and in private messages for the insight they've given me in not only writing this story but in helping other people as well.

So really just a huge thank you to everyone on fanfiction who ever gave me and my writing the time of day


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